It’s no secret that we live in the era of perpetual self-improvement.

There is an abundance of advice from gurus, writers, speakers, TED talks, bloggers- you name it, everyone has an opinion to share about how to perfect yourself.  

And that’s a beautiful thing: we’ve come to a place in our evolution that we can seek more than just survival from life.  We’re in pursuit of fulfillment, bliss, purpose, joy- we crave a certain quality of life that goes far beyond just getting through to the other side alive. 

Let’s say it evolved in the 60’s- an era where it finally became acceptable to talk about our feelings in public, to speak up and own our wounds, and start having wild group gestalt therapy sessions to do something about it.

But there’s a fuzzy line between self-improvement and seeking balance, which is helpful expansive and light, and obsession, which is heavy, restricting, and comes with a big dose of guilt when we never get “there”. To perfection- the place where we can finally say, “Ah, my work here is done”.

Wherever that is.

So I challenge you: what if you could be “there”, right now?  And what if best place to start is to just relax, connect inward, and stop trying so hard?

You’d say, “Heck yes, I’m all about it!”

Or at least I hope you would.

So take a deep breath or five, and relax. I present the rules of self-improvement, broken for you.

1. The Rule: Hold yourself to strict accountability.

By cultivating a strict commitment to your path of growth and refusing to veer off course, you will find the greatest improvement and success.

Why you should break it: 

Without a big dose of forgiveness and compassion, strict accountability is a sure-fire path to failure. The “f” word is big and harsh, but regardless of how small your “slip-up” (the word my clients usually choose when they haven’t followed through on a goal), it feels like failure of the grandest scale.  So you committed to get up at 5:30 am to meditate, every morning before work- and then on Friday, sleeping in just felt divine. So sleep in. Listen to your cravings- they are deep body wisdom coming to the surface. Then, rather than feeling guilty for not sticking to your own plan, be curious about the unspoken reasons behind why you chose differently:

• Were you over-tired? Really hungry?
• Are you trying to make a big shift- and you need some baby-steps?
• Do your intentions feel true- or forced? Do you understand the why of the change you’re trying to create?

Instead: Set intentions rooted in the why of the change, and then hold yourself to the highest standard of listening to your needs. (Note: needs differ from “wants”. If you pause with each of them, you can feel the difference.) And as your needs change, so too can your intentions and the way you go about your work.

2. The Rule: It will be hard, and it will be messy. That means you’re doing it right- no pain, no gain.

Doing the deep work requires putting all of your messy stuff on the table, and your life will be in a state of upheaval.

Why you should break it: 

Seriously. Who wants to sign up for that? I want you to consider this possibility:

When you’re doing the good work, the deep work, it’s a process of peeling off all of the layers that are ultimately causing you pain right now. And that means that you’re shedding the weight, the ideas about yourself and your way of showing up in the world, that are keeping you stuck in discontent (or worse). So in reality, though it’s still work, it should feel good. If it feels horrible, terrible, no good, you’re probably pushing some issue that isn’t yet ready to unfold. Important questions to ask:

• Is this painful work, or is it just pretty darn uncomfortable?
• Am I trying to dig into a shadow spot before I’m really ready- is there other work that needs to come first?
• Is this really work that I need to be doing, or am I just trying to hard to achieve perfection?

Instead: From within, listen to the changes that are ready to unfold. They’ll feel like cravings, like held energy that needs to move. There’s already momentum behind them, even if that momentum is feeling completely stuck. It’s there. We evolve. We grow. We stretch and expand, and it’s uncomfortable- like good stretching is- but it’s good.

Your challenge: begin now.

Start breaking the rules of so-called “self-improvement” and be curious: what are you really working to improve? And is the work you’re doing just a means to an end, or is it bringing more joy into your life right now?

***This is part one of a two-part post. Rules # 3-5 will arrive on Friday!

{ 0 comments }