I almost cried when a room of women sang happy birthday and plunked down a chocolate chip-rosemary cake in front of me.

Not one of those “weep with joy” kind of things- though it was a beautiful cake and I felt very loved, I was overwhelmed with a deeper realization.

It was a couple of weeks after my actual birthday and I hadn’t caught up with most of these women in a while- it’s been a busy spring for all of us, and we’ve each been like solitary spring ships passing in the waves of wildness. (And I’m a cryer. At just about anything.)

But with their eyes focused on me, their strong voices blending into the lilac notes drifting in through the open door, it was almost too much.

Over the years, I’ve gone from flying solo to proud posse member and back to doing this on my own.  And I’ve seen other women do the same.

Many of us have clothed ourselves in the belief that in order to be strong women, driven and motivated and passionate thinkers of this century of evolved femininity, we have to be able to do it all on our own. I can take care of myself. I don’t need anybody else- they’re all just gravy on top of a fulfilling and whole life as Just Me.

The Solo Femme Fatale.

But in private, we lament feeling lonely. We keep a running tally of all the reasons why we don’t ever seem to have the close-knit group of friends that we see other women have: we’re misunderstood, not good enough, not like them, and then perhaps, we consider that maybe we’re just on a different level than the rest of them. Maybe it’s location- small town people. Psh. 

It changes from day to day- but as big hearts, as community-oriented beings, we crave the energy of the support, the sense of belonging, that we think we see in the groups of people. Life looks so much more fun on their side of the fence.

All the while, we put so much into convincing ourselves that we don’t need them.

We put on a face to the outside world- oh yes, wow, things are so full in my life, I really just don’t have time…

We struggle to perfect ourselves on the outside- the right clothes, a fit body, the successful career- ironically fighting to create the image that we’re happy being alone, while battling feelings of inadequacy. Lacking. Deeply craving the sense of belonging and…

Love.

Support.

Dedication.

When my girlfriend dropped me off that night, and I stood out under the stars, here’s what I discovered:

Sometimes, in an effort to ride solo and be a strong, independent woman, we refuse to allow others to love us.

Because if we let them love us in our fullness, we have to let them see beyond the face of “I’ve got it all together” and into the parts of us that don’t feel quite so pretty.

We have to get real and vulnerable.

You can’t just wrap a pretty scarf around your tender heart and call it good.

They’re willing to go there- if you let them.

They’re willing to love your tender parts- your shadows as well as your light.

They’ll bake you gluten free vegan birthday cake- if you let them.

If you want to be strong, independent, and passionate, allow yourself to be loved.

It’s not about traveling in a pack. I’m not one to do that, personally- I still value spending a lot of time on my own. And it ebbs and flows.

But if you want to know support

If you want to know connection

If you want independence, but not at the cost of loneliness  

Begin by allowing yourself be seen.

Take off the mask of “I’m gonna do this all on my own, I don’t need anyone.”

And open your arms to receive.

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