When I was 26 I crammed what little I owned from life as a seasonal employee into my black Matrix (named Svetlana, of course) and made the pilgrimage to the land of cowboys and Wrangler jeans. 

I set out in search of a better life.

I’d held more jobs in New Hampshire than I care to count- waitressing, managing a backcountry lodge 14 miles into the woods by snowmobile, construction in the winter (I’m pretty good with a table saw now, thank you), office manager for a medical school… the list goes on. A little bit of everything, really- but I left almost every one of those jobs within a few months with a knot in the pit of my stomach and tearful questioning: 

What am I supposed to be doing here, Universe? 

None of those things were what I was supposed to be doing in this world. I was floundering to figure out that ache- what was I hungry for?

Those other pursuits left me feeling unchallenged and simultaneously over-stressed, uninspired in life and my struggling relationship, and honestly, dirt poor.

But job-hopping wasn’t the only thing going on here.

As I listened to my desire on that cross country adventure, camping alone in RV parks and on isolated lakeside bluffs, I heard it:

I was craving soul nourishment.

I was spiritually hungry- and I was trying to quench that hunger, that feeling of incompleteness, with new job after new job. Trying on new hats, new identities, in the hopes that one of them would fill the pangs of emptiness that churned in my gut. 

I was craving community. People who understood my deepest desires, my way of thinking about the world, who saw the spark in me and fanned it into a blaze.

I was craving boldness. I knew I couldn’t be satiated with a life that felt like drudgery- like walking by the window of a candy shop every day, but never stopping to try the decadent truffles that have always called to me.

I was craving freedom. Freedom to explore new ways of being, to check out from the driving rhythm madness of the culture all around me and dance wildly to my own heartbeat. Without judgement, without fear, but with confidence and trust.

And the way to get what we ache for?

Ask for it.

As I drove across the vast red plains, pausing for a Wyoming “traffic jam” (cattle use the roads, too), I called them in.

Community.

Boldness.

Freedom.

I am now blessed to be surrounded by exactly those things I ached so deeply for. My closest sisters who will take a spontaneous pilgrimage to soak in the hot springs and stop at the Garden of 1,000 Buddhas to burn sage and give thanks. On a Monday. 

Who will rub my shoulders for an hour while I explore the experience and challenges of being a teacher and a healer in this world of consumerism and economics. 

Who will bake gluten free muffins and nerd out over David Deida videos on YouTube on a Saturday morning, conversation running the gamut from the merits of Xantham Gum to the new masculine and feminine sexuality.

Who will do cartwheels and handstands and dance wildly to the deep thumping bass of a DJ with a grin wider than the Cheshire Cat.

This I know: If we are to welcome in a new era of beauty, a radical shift must take place. Disconnect from desperation and boldly connect to our deepest longings. Surround ourselves with people who nourish us to the depths of our being. And confidently ask for what we truly desire.

{What will you ask for? Share below.}

Tagged as: community, craving, Finding Bliss, I want, spiritual hunger, trust